dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
