are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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