why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
