His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
