I wish my penis had an off switch
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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