My nipple is on Facebook.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
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The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
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Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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