I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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