Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
