some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
