come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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