the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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