Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
