Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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