When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
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do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
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Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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