Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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