Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
