i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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