I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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