my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
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I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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