Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
