hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
