Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
