i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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