there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
