It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
