Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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