i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
