you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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