I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
