I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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