so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
