I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
