Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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