We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
