Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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