she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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