She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
did i walk over a car last night?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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