i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
