I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
