I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
