Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
