You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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