Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
