the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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