I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
