I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
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The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up