I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I think I won the penis lottery.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
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Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude