my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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