I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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