dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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