I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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