I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
