When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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