goodnight i made you a song goodbye
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
