Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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