i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
