My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
